Old Age Benefits
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Posted:Jun 1, 2008 8:33 pm
Last Updated:Jun 12, 2008 10:52 am
10944 Views
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Yes, being over 50 does have its advantages...
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 p.m.
9. You can live without sex (but not without glasses).
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbours don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with the elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
21. You can't remember who sent you this. |
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Petals Of The White Rose
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Posted:Jun 1, 2008 3:41 pm
Last Updated:Jun 4, 2008 9:06 am
10562 Views
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Dreaming by the morning moon
protected in a tight cocoon
so pale in the gloom
Petals of the white rose
Stretching at the sun light smiles
reflecting on its dew drop tiles
a glow that's seen for miles
The waking of the white rose
Delicate as the summer breeze
pearly white of royal genes
a queen within the garden green
the blooming of the white rose
Soft as love you give it when
hearts should touch a frail friend
before the gift of life might end
The message of the white rose
As we cry these tender woes
and say goodbye to them we know
they'll fly wherever spirits go
On petals of a soft white rose.
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by James Haley
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6
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A Mens Night Out
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Posted:May 31, 2008 8:34 pm
Last Updated:Jun 2, 2008 8:56 am
11319 Views
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That's one way of having a men's night out
A man was approached by co-worker at lunch who invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work. The co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem: "When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys."
So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he told he he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom. When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the john.
"How did you get in here?" he asked.
"Shhhhh!!!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"
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7
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My first time
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Posted:May 31, 2008 10:51 am
Last Updated:Jun 1, 2008 4:06 pm
10480 Views
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I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.
She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.'
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.
As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.' So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few minutes. put that condom on?' she asked.
I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her. |
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5
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Seduce me..
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Posted:May 30, 2008 2:36 pm
Last Updated:May 31, 2008 6:24 pm
10470 Views
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She stood there in front of the mirror.
Beads of tiny water drops inching down her body.
She reached for the lotion.
Smoothing it over her neck, then down and around her buxom breasts.
Down her navel to her legs, working and smoothing down to her tiny feet.
Taking down a perfume bottle she mists her body.
The sweet smell lingers in the room.
Candles flicker and dance in the darkness.
She slips into a black satin negligee, which caresses her skin softly.
She pulls back the crisp red linens on the bed.
Now she awaits her seducer. |
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natasha isabelle
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2
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A White Rose
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Posted:May 29, 2008 9:29 pm
Last Updated:Jun 1, 2008 10:57 am
10562 Views
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| The red rose whispers of passion,
And the white rose breathes of love;
Oh, the red rose is a falcon,
And the white rose is a dove.
But I send you a cream-white rosebud,
With a flush on its petal tips;
For the love that is purest and sweetest
Has a kiss of desire on the lips
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John Boyle O'Reilly
[1844-1890]
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4
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One wish !
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Posted:May 29, 2008 8:07 pm
Last Updated:May 31, 2008 10:24 am
10311 Views
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Santa and Banta were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from a burning freight vessel. While rummaging through the boat`s provisions, Santa stumbled across an old lamp.
Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, one did come forth!
This particular Genie; however, stated that she could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter Santa blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into beer!"
Immediately the Genie clapped her hands with a deafening crash, and the entire sea turned to the finest brew.
Simultaneously, the Genie vanished to her freedom.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the sudden stillness as Santa and Banta considered their circumstances. Banta looked disgustedly at Santa and after a long, tension filled moment, he spoke:
"Nice going! Now we`re going to have to pee in the boat!!". |
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2
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Buying Condoms
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Posted:May 28, 2008 7:58 pm
Last Updated:May 30, 2008 5:46 pm
10330 Views
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A sixty year old man walks into a drug store and walks up to the girl at the checkout counter. He asks her, "Do you sell condoms here?"
"Sure. What size are you?"
"I don't know," he replies.
"Well, just let me check," the cashier says. She unzips his pants, takes a feel, and then says over the intercom, "Extra large condoms to the checkout counter please. Extra large condoms to the checkout counter."
A clerk returns with some condoms. The man pays for them and leaves the store.
Later, a thirty year old man walks into the store and up to the checkout counter. He asks the girl, "Do you sell condoms here?"
The cashier replies, "Sure. What size do you need?"
"Well, I don't know."
"Allow me to check for you," she says as she unzips his pants and takes a couple of tugs. She then says over the intercom, "Large condoms to the checkout counter please. Large condoms to the checkout counter."
A clerk returns with some condoms. The man pays for them and leaves the store.
Some time later, a fifteen year old boy, hoping to get lucky, walks up to the girl at the checkout counter and asks sheepishly, "Um, ah, do you guys sell condoms here?"
"Yep," she says. "What size do you need?"
"I don't know," he says nervously.
"Allow me to check for you," she says. The cashier unzips his pants for a feel, pauses for a moment and then says over the intercom, "Clean up at the checkout counter please. Clean up at the checkout counter." |
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2
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Obscene Parrots
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Posted:May 28, 2008 12:53 pm
Last Updated:May 29, 2008 7:19 pm
10269 Views
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A lady approaches her priest one day and says, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots that only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. Then, your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "This may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she noticed his two male parrots inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots inside the cage with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put those damn beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!" |
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Do women have it better?
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Posted:May 27, 2008 1:20 pm
Last Updated:May 29, 2008 7:23 pm
10339 Views
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It seems that God was just about done creating the universe. The Lord had a couple of leftovers in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to urinate while standing up. "It can be very handy," God explained to Adam and Eve. "Would either of you like that ability?"
Adam popped a cork. He jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! It seems the sort of thing a man should be able to do. Please, Lord, let me have that ability. I would be forever grateful."
Eve just smiled and shook her head at Adam's display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, then she really wouldn't mind if he were the one given the ability to urinate while standing up.
And so, the Lord gave Adam the ability to urinate while standing up. Then, He looked back into his bag of leftover gifts. "Now, what have we here? Oh, yes, multiple orgasms..." |
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3
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Did You Read This......Too Cute
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Posted:May 25, 2008 5:45 pm
Last Updated:May 27, 2008 9:55 pm
10529 Views
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Lost parrot tells veterinarian his address
TOKYO - When Yosuke the parrot flew out of his cage and got lost, he did exactly what he had been taught – recite his name and address to a stranger willing to help.
Police rescued the African grey parrot two weeks ago from a neighbor's roof in the city of Nagareyama, near Tokyo. After spending a night at the station, he was transferred to a nearby veterinary hospital while police searched for clues, local policeman Shinjiro Uemura said.
He kept mum with the cops, but began chatting after a few days with the vet.
"I'm Mr. Yosuke Nakamura," the bird told the veterinarian, according to Uemura. The parrot also provided his full home address, down to the street number, and even entertained the hospital staff by singing songs.
"We checked the address, and what do you know, a Nakamura family really lived there. So we told them we've found Yosuke," Uemura said.
The Nakamura family told police they had been teaching the bird its name and address for about two years.
But Yosuke apparently wasn't keen on opening up to police officials.
"I tried to be friendly and talked to him, but he completely ignored me," Uemura said.
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4
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Open Wider!
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Posted:May 24, 2008 3:17 pm
Last Updated:May 28, 2008 7:25 am
10563 Views
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There was a couple going at it for the first time, and after a while, the guy asks the woman to open her legs a little wider.
She does and they continue.
A few minutes go by and he tells her again, "Open your legs a little wider."
She does, and then he says again, "A little wider, hon."
The woman starts getting pissed off but she does it.
This continues until he asks again, "Can you open them just a little wider?"
So she finally yells, "What are you trying to do; get your balls in too?"
He says, "No, I'm trying to get them out." |
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4
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Nymphomaniac Convention
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Posted:May 23, 2008 6:51 pm
Last Updated:May 31, 2008 10:22 am
10847 Views
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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a strikingly beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled, and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago ."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact, it
is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck." suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable, and blushed.
"I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba." |
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8
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To link to this blog (jeffandBonna) use [blog jeffandBonna] in your messages.
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