Daily Dose of Humor For SUN-Mar-25-2007
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Posted:Mar 25, 2007 2:31 pm
Last Updated:Sep 4, 2007 9:57 am
3213 Views
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Daily Dose of Humor For SUN-Mar-25-2007 ______________________ t o d a y 's j o k e ______________________
A leper goes to watch a baseball game but when he gets there, he has trouble finding a seat. Because pieces of him are peeling and flaking off, he's very concerned about grossing out the other fans.
The leper wanders through the bleachers looking for a seat where his grotesque appearance won't disturb anyone. Finally, he finds an open seat where he might be able to watch the game. He asks the man in the adjoining seat if it would be okay to sit there.
The man answers, "Yeah. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game."
The leper sits down and adds, "As you can see, I have leprosy. If it disturbs you, I'll move."
"It doesn't bother me. Just shut up, and watch the game."
A while later, during the fourth inning, the man suddenly vomits. Frothy beer, hot dogs, and peanuts are splattered everywhere.
Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, "Thank you for allowing me to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused you to get sick. I'll find another place to sit."
"It's NOT you. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game."
So the leper sits back down. But during the sixth inning, the man begins to vomit again. This time it is projectile vomitus. A powerful blast of beer and pretzels shoots out from the man's mouth and nose until his stomach is completely emptied.
Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, "Thank you for allowing me to sit next to you, but it's obvious that my appearance has caused you to get sick. I'll find another place to sit."
"Really, it's NOT you.... Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game."
So the leper sits back down. But during the seventh inning, the man begins to vomit again. This time it is the dry heaves. The leper feels absolutely awful at the sight of this man suffering. And once again, the leper offers to leave.
But the man insists, "Really, it's NOT you."
So the leper asks, "Well if it's not me that is making you so sick, than what is it?"
"It's that guy behind you... He keeps dipping his nachos in your back!"
______________________ These two ladies were avid anglers who often went fishing together. One of the ladies was much more successful and invariably would catch more fish from her side of the boat.
One day, in frustration, the other lady asked her for her secret.
She responded, "Before I get out of bed I look under the covers at my husband's penis. If it is laying over to the left, I fish off the left side of the boat. If it is laying to the right I fish off the right side of the boat."
Her partner then asked, "What if it is standing straight up?"
She replied, "I don't go fishing that day!" ______________________ MORNING SEX She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. He walked in; She turned and said, You've got to make love to me this very moment." His eyes lit up and he thought, "This is my lucky day." Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove. More than a little puzzled, he asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
______________________ A man walks into a shul with a dog. The shammas comes up to him and says, "Pardon me, this is a House of Worship, you can't bring your in here."
"What do you mean," says the man, "this is a Jewish dog. Look."
And the shammas looks carefully and sees that in the same way that a St. Bernard carries a brandy barrel round its neck this has a tallis bag round its neck.
"Rover," says the man, "daven!". "Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a kipa and puts it on his head.
"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a tallis and puts it round his neck.
"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a siddur and starts to daven.
"That's fantastic," says the shammas, "absolutely amazing, incredible! You should take him to Hollywood, get him on television, get him in the movies, you could make a million dollars off of him!!" "You speak to him," says the man, "He wants to be a doctor." ______________________ NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, but with one catch - he couldn't return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "One million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research." The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."
"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.
The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer."
______________________ A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact, it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there.
The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"
"Yes, I was a salesman in the country," said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up.
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around.
The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"
"One" said the young salesman.
"Only one" blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"
"One hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars" said the young man.
"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.
"Well," said the salesman, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty-foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"
"No," answered the salesman. "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him,"Your weekend's fucked, you may as well go fishing."
______________________
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are some priceless quotes:……
*I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word. He knew better*.
*I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good- looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
*My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
*Have you ever asked your a question too many times? My three-year-old had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old , and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Dan!, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
*This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? A true story. We had a female news anchor who the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too!
*While on a flight from New York, the Stewardess was busy passing out peanuts and cokes to everyone. There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get clearance to take off. Then the other Stewardess got a message from the Pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in line to take off, and to have everyone buckle up. Without thinking she just announced "Please buckle up, grab your drinks and hold your nuts, we're taking off", No one saw her for the rest of the flight to Houston, and all the other Stewardesses were laughing all the way and half of the passengers.
*I was working in an aquarium, when some new guy who was recently hired was given the task of feeding the fish. He started throwing in friggin peanuts! I walked up to him, looking angry, and said to him, "Damn it! They can't digest that! All they can do is lick your nuts!". Needless to say, I quit.
______________________ ______________________
The following are real statements found on insurance claim forms. Drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident succinctly. * Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have. * I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my arm through it. * The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions. * The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. * I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment. * In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. * I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision, and I did not see the other car. * The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end. * I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in the ditch by some stray cows. * The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth. * I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. * I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident. * As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian. * My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle. * An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished. * I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull. * I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the curb when I struck him. * The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement. The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week. The second sees his family doctor after waiting a week for an appointment, then waits eighteen weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another month and finally has his surgery scheduled for a year from then. Why the different treatment for the two patients? The first is a Golden Retriever. The second is a Senior Citizen. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I felt like my body had gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I've sure gotten old. I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, and new knees. fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, and take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thankfully, I still have my driver's license.
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Daily Dose of Humor for Mar-23-2007
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Posted:Mar 23, 2007 9:22 am
Last Updated:May 26, 2024 6:13 pm
3211 Views
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Daily Dose of Humor for Mar-23-2007 ______________________
t o d a y 's j o k e's ______________________ Play Your Age
A lady is having a bad day at the tables in Vegas. Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she cries, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"
A gent next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, "I don't know... Why don't you play your age?"
He walks away. Moments later, his he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won!
Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.
He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"
The operator replies, "I don't know, buddy.... She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up she fainted!" ______________________
An elderly couple, Rusty and Ester live in Texas. Rusty always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?' Ester looks him over, 'Nope.'
Frustrated Rusty storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.
Again, he asks, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'
Ester looks up and says, 'Rusty, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.'
Furious, Rusty yells, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, Ester?' 'Nope,' she replies.
'IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!'
To which Ester replies...'Shoulda bought a hat, Rusty. Shoulda bought a hat.' ______________________ A local newspaper (in England) ran a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line... But the least romantic second line.
Here are some of the entries they received.
********* My feelings for you no words can tell, Except for maybe " go to hell" *********
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
********* Oh loving beauty you float with grace If only you could hide your face ********* Kind, intelligent, loving and hot; This describes everything you are not ********* I want to feel your sweet embrace But don't take that paper bag off of your face ********* I love your smile, your face, and your eyes - Damn, I'm good at telling lies ! ********* I see your face when I am dreaming. That's why I always wake up screaming ********* My love, you take my breath away. What have you stepped in to smell this way? ______________________ One day, these 2 men come accross a mine shaft. One guy says, I wonder how deep this mine shaft is?" The other guy says, " I don't know. Let's find out"
So they find a rock, and they toss it into the mine shaft. They didn't hear anything, so they grabbed a larger rock and tossed it into the shaft. Still hearing nothing, they decide to throw in a railroad tie from nearby railroad tracks. They tosss it in, but still, they can't hear anything hit the botom.
Suddenly, a goat runs past them and jumps into the mine shaft!.
A third guy comes along and says, "Have either of you seen my goat?" One of the other guys says, "Yes actually we have. One just rtan past us and jumpped into that mine shaft over there."
The third guy says, "Oh no... That couldn't have been mine. Mine was tied to a railroad tie."
______________________ A teacher was reviewing her class's homework assignment. She asked Susie to stand up and tell the class what part of the human body enlarges to seven times its original size when stimulated.
Susie stood up, shuffled her feet and said, "Well, I think I know, but I'm too embarrassed to tell you."
The teacher said, "Sit down, Susie. Johnny, tell the class what part of the human body enlarges to seven times its size when stimulated."
Johnny said, "That's easy. The pupil of the eye enlarges to seven times its original size when stimulated by light."
The teacher said, "That's right, Johnny."
Then she turned to Susie and said, "Susie, first of all, you didn't do your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, when you get married, you're in for a big disappointment." ______________________ A gynecologist wants a change of pace so she decides to become a mechanic. After two weeks' training, there's a test. Each student in the class is required to take apart an engine, and put it back together again.
When the results come back, another student sees the gyno's grade and complains,
"How did she get a 150% if 100% is a perfect score?"
"Well," the teacher says, "you got 50 points for taking the engine apart and 50 for putting it back together again."
"So, how did she get 150?"
"Well, she took it apart right, so there's 50, she put it back together right, another 50. But, she got an extra fifty for doing it all through the muffler."
______________________ A ventriloquist is walking in the country, when he comes upon a farmer and his standing at the side of the road. He stops and they exchange greetings. The ventriloquist is bored from walking alone for so long, so he decides to have a little fun with the farmer.
"Would you mind if I spoke with your dog?" he asks the farmer.
"Are you stupid or somethin'?" the farmer says incredulously, "Dogs can't talk!"
"Well, I'll give it a shot anyway," the ventriloquist replies.
He bends down by the and says, "How ya doin' there, dog?" He then does the voice of the without moving his lips and says "Oh, I'm doin' fine."
The farmer is flabbergasted. The ventriloquist proceeds to have a pretend conversation with the dog, asking him how the farmer treats him, where they go for walks, etc. When he's finished, they walk up the path to the farm and go to the stables.
"Mind if I talk to your ?" the ventriloquist asks.
"You can talk to horses, too? Well, shoot, I guess I don't mind..." answers the farmer.
Again, the ventriloquist has a conversation with the animal, asking him how often the farmer takes him out riding, how often he is fed, etc. Then they walk out of the stable towards the fields. The ventriloquist spies a herd of sheep in the pasture.
"Mind if I talk to your sheep?" he asks.
The farmer turns bright red and stammers, "Them sheep ain't nothing but liars, every single one of 'em!!!" ______________________
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Daily Dose of Humor for Tue-20-2007
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Posted:Mar 19, 2007 9:29 pm
Last Updated:May 26, 2024 6:13 pm
3124 Views
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Daily Dose of Humor for Tue-20-2007 ______________________
t o d a y 's j o k e's ______________________ _____________________ Food For Thought I once heard two women going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
______________________ A blonde and brunette were watching the 11 o'clock news. The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge.
The brunette turns to the blonde and says, "I bet you $50 the man is going to jump."
The blonde replies, "Okay you're on."
Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50.
The brunette says, "Listen, I can't accept this money. I watched the 5 o'clock news and saw the man jump then."
"No, you have to take it," says the blonde. "I watched the 5 o'clock news too, but I didn't think he would do it again." ______________________ It's Harold's first day in the car pool. They honk the horn in front of his house and he comes running out.
He gets about halfway down the walk when he hears a grunt and the sound of his wife's foot tapping on the porch. He turns around and there she is, scowling at him.
He runs back to the steps, spreads her bathrobe, bends over, kisses her on the privates, runs back down the walk and hops in the car.
They ride in silence for a few minutes, until Walter, the driver, has to ask,
"Harold, it's none of my business, but why'd you kiss her down there?"
Harold says, "You wouldn't believe her breath in the morning."
______________________ A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun.
He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after tying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bulls eyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn't aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a turtle. The drunk wandered off into the crowd.
An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bulls eyes and was given another turtle.
Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times. Once more he had scored three bulls eyes. But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight.
"That's fantastic," the man said. "Hasn't he scored three bulls?"
The showman, cursing his luck, made a play of going over to the target and inspecting it closely.
"Yes Sir!" he announced to the crowd. "This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware."
"I don't want any bloody glasses," the drunk replied. "Give me another one of those crusty meat pies." _______________________________________ An Irishman's been at the pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So the guy stands up to leave and falls flat on his face.
He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face.
So he crawls all the way home and at the door stands up and again falls flat on his face.
He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.
"So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"And what makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on his best innocent face.
"The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again." ______________________ Politness
A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he said.
"We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with your 'ear' or whatever."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my 'ear'," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"
"I can't piss out of it." the man replied.
______________________ Day Off
Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark." ______________________ Well thats it for today thank's for stopping bye
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t o d a y 's j o k e's for Sat Mar 17-2007
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Posted:Mar 17, 2007 5:45 am
Last Updated:Mar 17, 2007 6:43 am
3445 Views
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______________________
t o d a y 's j o k e's ______________________ A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.
After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
"Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes: which is why I came here in the first place." ___________________ A farmer buys a cute little filly that he plans on racing next season, but when he gets her home, his old stallion smells her and wants her and starts kicking up dust.
The farmer doesn't want her knocked up, because she won't be able to race, so he calls the vet. The vet tells him to tie a bed sheet around the filly's rump to keep the stallion away. So that day, the farmer does just that.
The next day, the farmer goes out to the corral to make sure the vet's solution worked, but the filly is nowhere to be found. The farmer follows her hoof trail to the neighbor's farm, and sees the neighbor's out by their barn.
"Hey young man," the farmer calls, "did you see a filly run by with a bed sheet tied around her rump?"
The replies, "No sir, but one dashed past here early this morning with a handkerchief sticking out of her ass." ______________________ These two guys had both just gone through ugly divorces and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.
They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year."
The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.
The guys asked "What's that board for?"
The trader said, "Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this."
They said, "No way! We've sworn off women for life! Women are nothing but trouble."
The trader said, "Well, take the boards with you, and if you don't use them I'll refund your money next year.
"Okay," they said and left.
The following year this guy came into the trader's store and said
"Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year."
The trader said "Weren't you in here last year with a partner?"
"Yeah" said the guy.
"Where is he?" asked the trader.
"I shot him." said the guy.
"Why?"
"I caught him in bed with my board!"
______________________ Three ecologists are exploring the deep jungles of the Amazon searching for new plant life when they are captured by a tribe of cannibals. They are taken back to the village to be tried by the chief. The chief stares at the white men and is about to give the usual 'let's boil them alive' orders, when he gets an idea.
"I shall let each of you go," he says, "if you can go out into the jungle and within one hour, come back with 10 identical pieces of fruit." The men are overjoyed when they hear this so off they run into the jungle to gather fruit.
Half an hour later one of them comes back with 10 peaches and proudly brings them to the chief. The chief looks at the fruit and tells him that he will let him go if he can shove all 10 pieces of fruit up his rear end without changing his facialexpression.
He notices all the serious faces of the tribesmen so he starts to shove one up there, but with the peach halfway in he lets out an agonizing shriek of pain. The chief promptly gives the order to kill him.
10 minutes later the second guy comes back and sees his friend lying dead in the dirt. The tribesmen grab him and tell him to open his hands for the chief. In his hands he holds 10 identical berries. When the chief gives the same orders he is visibly relieved and quickly begins to shove the fruit up his rear end. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...9... and suddenly the guy busts out laughing! Not amused, the chief once again gives the order to kill the guy.
Now the two dead guys are up in heaven discussing what had just happened. "You only had one more berry to shove up and you were home free! Why did you start laughing?"
"I couldn't help it. I lost it when I saw Fred coming down the path with 10 pineapples! ______________________ A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
" No," he replied, "arthritis."
______________________ Redneck Sex Test:
1. The clitoris is a type of flower. True or False
2. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit. True or False
3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird. True or False
4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack. True or False
5. A menstrual cycle has three wheels. True or False
6. A G-string is part of a fiddle. True or False
7. Semen is a term for sailors. True or False
8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly. True or False
9. Testicles are found on an Octopus. True or False
10. Asphalt describes rectal problems. True or False
11. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati. True or False
12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish. True or False
13. Coitus is a musical instrument. True or False
14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke. True or False
15. An umbilical chord is part of a parachute. True or False
16. A condom is a large apartment complex. True or False
17. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir. True or False
18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. True or False
19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle. True or False
20. An erection is when Japanese people vote. True or False
21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East. True or False
22. Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass. True or False
23. Pornography is the business of making records. True or False
24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin. True or False
25. Douche is the French word for "twelve". True or False ______________________ Little Johnny's New Word Dirty Johnny and his friends were enrolled in sex education. During the lecture, the teacher kept referring to a "penis". It was "penis" this and "penis" that. The class behaved as if it understood.
Immediately following class, all the students gathered around Dirty Johnny. "Johnny, what's a penis?" Nobody had a clue. Dirty Johnny said he would ask his Dad when he got home.
When Dirty Johnny got home, his Dad was there. "Dad, what's a 'penis'?" His father unzips his pants, shows Johnny his dick and says, "This is a perfect penis." Johnny replied, "Thanks, Dad. I'll tell my friends tomorrow in school."
The next day, all the students gathered around. "What did your Dad say, Dirty Johnny?" Johnny promptly unzips his pants and shows all his classmates his dick. "This is a penis. And if it were two inches shorter, it would be the perfect penis!"
______________________ Magic Beer
A lady walks into a bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the counter. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking. "Magic Beer", he says. She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after that there is no one else worth talking to,goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?" "Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building 3 times and comes back in the window. The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again." He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window. She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having." She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies. The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk!" ______________________ Redneck Family Tree Many many years ago when I was twenty three, I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be. This widow had a grown-up Who had hair of red. My father fell in love with her, And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my -in-law And changed my very life. My was my mother, For she was my father's wife. To complicate the matters worse, Although it brought me joy. I soon became the father Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became A brother-in-law to dad. And so became my uncle, Though it made me very sad. For if he was my uncle, Then that also made him brother To the widow's grown-up Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a , Who kept them on the run. And he became my grandson, For he was my 's . My wife is now my mother's mother And it makes me blue. Because, although she is my wife, She's my grandma too.
If my wife is my grandmother, Then I am her grandchild. And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild. For now I have become The strangest case you ever saw. As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!!
______________________ Modern Medicine A married couple rushed to the hospital because the woman was in labor the doctor asked the couple, "I have invented a new machine that you might want to try, it takes some of the labor pains away from the mother and gives it to the father." So the married couple decided that they would try this. So the doctor hooked the machine up and put it on 10% of pain switched from the mother to the father and the husband said "I feel okay turn it up a lot more" so the doctor turned it up to 50% and the husband said "why don't you just put it all on me cause I'm not feeling a thing", but the doctor warned them "this much could kill you if your not prepared". The husband replied "I am ready "so the doctor turned the machine up to 100% but the husband didn't feel a thing so they went home happy with a pain-free labor. When they got home the couple was suprized to see the mailman dead on the front porch! ______________________ Fast Eddie Fast Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.... but she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you..."
The girl looked at him, then said, "NO." Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend. So she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says,"Ask him for $200, pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down."
She agreed and accepts the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened....?
Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters!
The lesson: Always consider a business proposition in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.
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Daily Dose of Humor for Thur Mar-15-2007
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Posted:Mar 15, 2007 5:43 pm
Last Updated:Mar 16, 2007 4:43 am
3226 Views
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Daily Dose of Humor for Thur Mar-15-2007
______________________
t o d a y 's j o k e's ______________________ Caught In The Act A man came home from work early one day, and found his wife naked and panting on the bed. "Honey," she said, thinking quickly, "I think I'm having a heart attack!" While rushing to call the doctor, he nearly stumbled over his crying four year old, who told him there was a naked man in the closet. He ran to the closet, opened the door, and there was his best friend. "Damn it, Dave" he shouted, "Jill's having a heart attack and here you are scaring the hell out of the !"
______________________
Too Enthusiastic
An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."
She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"
The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"
She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet." ______________________ Unhappy Pharmacist
Dude walks into a pharmacy laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist and walks out laughing. The pharmacist is perplexed but doesn't give it a second thought. The next day the same guy walks in laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist and walks out laughing.
The pharmacist remembers the day before and starts to wonder what's up but not for too long because he has work to do.The next day the same guy walks in laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist and walks out laughing. Now the pharmacist is intrigued as to what is going on with this guy so he arranges with his assistant to follow the guy and find out where he is going, should the man return.
Wouldn't you know it, The same guy comes back the next day, laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist and walks out laughing.
The assistant followed him as per his orders and came back 20 minutes later. The eager pharmacist asked his assistant where the man went? The assistant said:
"Your house."
______________________ The story behind this joke:... There's this nutball who digs things out his back yard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling them with scientific names, insisting that they are actual archeological finds. The really weird thing about these letters is that this guy really exists and does this in his spare time!
Paleoanthropology Division Smithsonian Institute 207 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington, DC 20078
Dear Sir:
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull."
We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago. "Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small , believes to be the "Malibu Barbie".
It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to it's modern origin:
1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.
3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:
A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on. B. Clams don't have teeth.
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in it's normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.
However, we gladly accept your generous of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.
Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe Curator, Antiquities
______________________ You Might Be Addicted to AOL if...
.....Tech Support calls "You" for help. .....Someone at work tells you a joke and you say LOL .....You have called out someone's screen name while making love to your significant other. .....You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out" .....you have to get a second phone line just so you can call Domino's .....you've ever typed "drinking on AOL is better than drinking alone" .....you have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it .....you no longer type with proper punctuation, capitalization, or complete sentences .....you begin to say heh heh heh instead of laughing .....when someone says "What did you say?" you reply "Scroll up!" .....you sneak away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep. .....you know more
friends daily routines than you do your own family's. .....you lie to others about your time on-line and when they complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook .....you have an identity crisis if someone else is using an s/n close to your own .....you would rather tell people your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much instead of the truth (all night on-line) .....you're broke, your modem burns out and you go out onto the streets to sell your body to get a new one .....you marry your cyberboyfriend and you both sit at your own computers and chat to each other every night from across the room .....you type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time .....you won't work at a job that doesn't have a modem involved ....you sign on and immediately get 10 messages from people who have you on their buddy lists ....you look at an annoying person off-line and wish you had your ignore button handy ....you have withdrawls if you are away from the computer for more than a few hours ....you use AOL lingo in everyday life (if you still have one...hehehe) ....your buddy list has over 100 people on it ....you wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get on-line before you have your first cup of coffee ....you wait 6 hours online for a certain "special" person to sign on ....you don't know where the time has gone ....you end sentences with three (or more) periods while writing letters in pen/pencil. ....your relationship online has gone farther than any real one you have had ....you get up at 2am to go the bathroom but go turn on your computer instead ....you don't even notice anymore when someone has a typo ....when you enter a room and 23 people greet you with {{{Hugs or ***Kisses*** ....you stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and lemme ....your voicemail/answering machine message is "BRB, leave your s/n and I will TTYL" ....you type faster than you think ....being called a newbie is a *MAJOR* insult ...you are on the phone for a minute and need to do something else you say "BRB" or "BBL" ....you spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to everyone in a room ...you've gone into an unstaffed tech support room and given tech support to other AOLers ....you have to be pryed from your computer with the Jaws-of-Life ...you meet people from AOL in public and have no idea what their real name is, so you call them by their screen name ...your last sexual experience was really just a "textual" experience
______________________ That's Hollywood for you..
A salesman is visiting Hollywood California and checks into a local motel. As he was checking out the next morning, the desk clerk noticed that he looked a bit frazzled.
He asked "Sir was everything O.K. with your room?"
He angrily replies "Was everything O.K.!!! I get woke up at 2:00 in the morning with this huge cowboy sitting on my chest holding a pistol to my head who tells me if l don't pleasure him immediately he's gonna blow my head off!"
The desk clerk is shocked and asks, "What did you do?"
The saleman's reply, "Did you hear any shootin'?"
______________________ Thats all for today Thanks for droping in Byeeeeeeeeee
______________________
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Daily Dose of Humor for Mon, 12 Mar 2007
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Posted:Mar 12, 2007 4:22 pm
Last Updated:May 26, 2024 6:13 pm
3202 Views
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Daily Dose of Humor for Mon, 12 Mar 2007
______________________
t o d a y 's j o k e's ______________________ The dentist was called away from the dinner table to take an urgent phone call. It was Mr. Tuckerman, explaining that young Junior had gotten himself into quite a fix.
"See, he was kissing his girlfriend Corinne, and when my wife and I came back from the movies we found them stuck together."
"I'll come right over, Mr. Tuckerman," said the dentist calmly, "and don't worry about a thing. I have to unlock teenagers' braces all the time."
Mr. Tuckerman whispered, "Yes, but from an IUD?" ______________________
If restaurants functioned like shrink-wrapped (Microsoft) software:
Patron: Waiter! Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup! Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there. Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there. Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl! Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?! Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day! Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?? Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now? Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato. Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.
[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check. Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet. Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
[waiter leaves.]
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!
The check: Soup of the Day . ........... . . . . . . . . . $5.00 Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . . . . . . . $2.50 Access to support . . . . . . . . . . ..........$1.00 ______________________ The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?" "It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking!!!" ______________________
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE. George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, "Okay ," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now 'cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up. Within five minutes three police cars , an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!" ______________________ Ole the Assistant Doctor - A Doctor in Minnesota wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he told his assistant "Ya Ole, I am going hunting tomorrow and we don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of our patients". "Yes, sir..." answers Ole. The doctor goes hunting and returns the next day and asks: "So Ole, how was your day?" Ole tells him he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache, so I gave him TYLENOL." "Bravo! Ya, Ole, and the second one?" says the doctor. "The second one had stomach burning, and I gave him MAALOX, sir," says Ole. "Bravo, bravo Ole! You're good at this and what; about the third one?" asks the doctor. "Sir, I was sitting here, and suddenly the door opens, and a woman enters like a flame. She undresses herself, taking off her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spread her legs and shouts: HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!!" And what did you do Ole?" asks the doctor. "I put eye drops in her eyes.". ______________________ How to tell when you are spending too much time with your computer:
You start introducing yourself as "lord at pacbell dot net"
Your wife drapes a wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like
You check your mail. It says "no new messages". So you check it again
Your phone bill is delivered in a box
You name your Eudora, Mozilla, and Dotcom
All of your friends have an @ in their names
You tell the cab driver you live at http:// 123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html
You tell the they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't have a job.
You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 3.01"
You never have to deal with the busy signals because you never log off
You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet
You start tilting your head sideways whenever you smile
Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage, so you buy another computer and install another phone line so that the two of you can chat
As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button
Your computer goes down, you haven't logged in for two hours. You start to tremble. You pick up the phone and dial your Internet access number. You try to mimic computer noise in order to connect.
______________________ Y. O. D. A (To the Village People's "Y. M. C. A")
(As sung by master Yoda, on meeting Luke Skywalker).
YOUNG MAN, I saw your ship come down. I said YOUNG MAN, now it's muddy and brown. I said YOUNG MAN, put your weapon away, 'cause I *MEAN* *YOU* *NO* *HARM* *I* *SAY* YOUNG MAN, There's no need to feel fear. I am WONDERIN', tell me why are you here? How you GROWIN', from this food on the plate, I say *WARS* *DO* *NOT* *MAKE* *ONE* *GREAT*
You must be here to see Y. O. D. A You must be here to see Y. O. D. A. He's 900 years old! He's so strong in the Force! Do your Jedi Diploma course!
You must be here to see Y. O. D. A You must be here to see Y. O. D. A Come and get yourself clean! Come and have a good meal! Pretty soon now, the Force you'll feel!
YOUNG MAN, you fell out of the sky, into SOMETHIN' brown that smells like a sty, and this TIN CAN started swimming and then, he got *SPAT* *OUT* *LIKE* *SOME* *THROAT* *PHLEGM* YOUNG MAN, Welcome to Dagobah. He is COMIN', master Yoda not far. I'll be HAVIN' this bright thing that ain't hot. It is *MINE* *OR* *I'LL* *HELP* *YOU* *NOT*
You must be here to see Y. O. D. A You must be here to see Y. O. D. A. He's 900 years old! He's so strong in the Force! Do your Jedi Diploma course!
You must be here to see Y. O. D. A You must be here to see Y. O. D. A Don't just stand in the rain! You're all covered with mud! come and sample my homemade crud!
OLD BEN, Are you listenin' to me? I can't TRAIN HIM, he's so reckless you see! Like his OLD MAN, he's so angry but brave! Betcha *HE* *SCREWS* *UP* *AT* *THE* *CAVE* YOUNG MAN, If you start will you end, or be GOING, off to save all your friends? To be TRAINING, needs commitment and work, if you *WIMP* *OUT* *THEN* *YOU'RE* *A* *JERK*
You gotta stay here with Y. O. D. A You gotta stay here with Y. O. D. A You should stay here and train! You don't have to save Han! If you do so, you'll lose your hand!
You gotta stay here with Y. O. D. A. (repeat and fade). ______________________ well folks thats it for today thanks for stopping here BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
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Daily Dose of Humor Sat Mar 10- 2007
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Posted:Mar 10, 2007 12:12 pm
Last Updated:May 26, 2024 6:13 pm
3181 Views
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Daily Dose of Humor Sat Mar 10- 2007 ______________________
t o d a y 's j o k es ______________________ A man longs to wed a maiden with her virtue intact. He searches for one but resigns himself to the fact that every female over the age of 16 in his town has already been at it.
Finally he decides to take matters in hand and adopts a baby girl from the orphanage. He raises her until she is walking and talking and then sends her away to a monastery for safekeeping until marrying age.
After many years she finally reaches maturity and he retrieves her from the monastery and marries her. After the wedding they make their way back to his house and into the bedroom where they both prepare themselves for the consummation.
They lie down together in his bed and he reaches over for a jar of petroleum jelly.
"Why the jelly," she asks him?
"So I do not hurt your most delicate parts during the act of lovemaking," he replies.
"Well why don't you just spit on your cock like the monks did?!" ______________________ A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light.
An old man on a moped (looking about 75 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money, "says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right ... but I'll stick with my moped!"
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 20 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!!!!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself.
He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped. Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari he gives it some more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. Whoooooosh!
He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again. Astounded by the speed of this old guy he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.
Not ten seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again. The Ferrari is flat out and there's nothing he can do.
Suddenly the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive!!! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my God! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers with his dying breath, "Unhook...my suspenders from your side-view mirror."
______________________ Who Is The Father
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth never quite looked like the rest of our . Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"
Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says: "You." ______________________ There is a dangerous vi&us being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand.
This v*rus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. It will wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER).
Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
______________________ One of my fondest memories As I recall the days of yore was the little house, behind the house, With the crescent o'er the door. 'Twas a place to sit and ponder With your head all bowed down low; Knowing that you wouldn't be there, If you didn't have to go. Ours was a multi-holer, three, With a size for every one. You left there feeling better, After your job was done. You had to make those frequent trips In snow, rain, sleet, or fog-- To that little house where you usually Found the Sears-Roebuck catalog. Oft times in dead of winter, The seat was spread with snow. 'Twas then with much reluctance, To that little house you'd go. With a swish you'd clear that wooden seat, Bend low, with dreadful fear You'd shut your eyes and g rit your teeth As you settled on your rear. I recall the day Ol' Granddad, Who stayed with us one summer, Made a trip out to that little house Which proved to be a bummer. 'Twas the same day that my Dad had Finished painting the kitchen green. He'd just cleaned up the mess he'd made With rags and gasoline. He tossed the rags down in the hole Went on his usual way Not knowing that by doing so He'd eventually rue the day. Now Granddad had an urgent call, I never will forget! This trip he made to the little house Stays in my memory yet. He sat down on the wooden seat, With both feet on the floor. He filled his pipe and tapped it down And struck a match on the outhouse door. He lit the pipe and sure enough, it soon began to glow. He slowly raised his rear a bit And tossed the flaming match below. The Blast that followed, I am told Was heard for miles around; And there was poor ol' Granddad Sprawled out there on the ground. The smoldering pipe still in his mouth, His eyes were shut real tight; The celebrated three-holer Was blown clear out of sight. We asked him what had happened, What he said I'll ne'er forget. He said he thought it must have been The pinto beans he et! Next day we had a new one Dad put it up with ease. But this one had a door sign that read: No Smoking, Please! Now that's the story's end my friend, Of memories long ago, When we went to the house behind the house, because we had to go. ______________________
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Daily Dose of Humor FOR Fri Mar 09- 2007
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Posted:Mar 9, 2007 1:22 pm
Last Updated:May 26, 2024 6:13 pm
3235 Views
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Daily Dose of Humor FOR Fri Mar 09- 2007
______________________
t o d a y 's j o k es ______________________ The Heavy Thinker
It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.
I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.
I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.
I began to avoid friends at lunch time so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?".
Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.
I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about.
I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."
"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"
"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."
"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!"
"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.
I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with a PBS station on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors... they didn't open. The library was closed.
To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.
As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.
Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.
I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.
______________________
Team Work
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head."
Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb a--hole', is it?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother." ______________________ More Uses
A very proper man started going into the neighbourhood pharmacy every week to buy 2 dozen boxes of condoms. Week after week he would come in with the same order.
One day the pharmacist felt he had to say something to the man. "Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky! How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?"
The man looked at him in disgust and said, "I beg your pardon, but I find the whole idea of sex repulsive!"
"So," the pharmacist asked, "then what do you do with all those condoms?"
The gentleman answered, "I feed them to my poodle and now she poops in little plastic bags." ______________________ A priest and a nun are on their way home from a convention when suddenly, their car dies.
The priest says to the nun "Well Sister, I'm afraid we are going to have to go to a hotel for the night."
The nun just smiles, and says, " OK, Father."
They arrive at the hotel to find that there is only one room available. The priest says 'Well Sister, I'm afraid we are going to have to share a room. I'm sure that under the circumstances, God won't mind. You sleep in the bed and I'll sleep on the couch."
The nun just smiles and says, "OK, Father."
They check into the room and prepare for bed, the priest on the couch, and the nun in the bed. The priest turns out the lights and goes to sleep.
Ten minutes later the nun says, "Father, I'm cold."
The priest says, "OK Sister, I'll get you an extra blanket." He gets her a blanket and goes back to sleep.
Ten minutes later, the nun says, "Father, I'm STILL cold." So the priest gets up, gets her another blanket, and goes back to sleep again.
Ten minutes later, the nun says, "Father, I'm VERY cold. You don't suppose that, under the circumstances, God would mind if we acted like husband and wife for just one night?"
The priest answered, " No. I don't suppose he would - GET YOUR OWN DAMN BLANKET! "
______________________ Just after I got married, I was invited out for a night with "the boys." I told the misses that I would be home by midnight... promise!
Well the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around two thirty A.M. drunk as a skunk, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up, and cuckooed three times. Quickly I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick and witty solution to escape a possible conflict, even when smashed.
Next morning my wife asked me what time I got in and I told her 12 o'clock. she didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why, she said
"Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said oh fuck, cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more and then farted. ______________________ A local man was found dead in his home in Brooklyn, NY, this weekend.
Detectives at the scene, found the man face down in his bath tub. The tub had been filled with milk and corn flakes and the deceased had a banana protruding from his butt.
Police suspect a cereal killer.
______________________ Roy Rogers and Trigger wended their way home after a most satisfying day at work tending the boundary fences on Roy's large spread. About a mile from the homestead Roy noticed a trail of dust rising from the trail that led from home to the main gate.
As he approached, he saw that it was a large squad of cavalry soldiers led by Major Ted. As he came up to the column of troops Major Ted called, "Whoa!" and addressed the famous cowboy.
"Good evening, Mr. Rogers," he said.
"Good evening, Major," replied Roy Rogers.
"Are you' heading home, Sir?" asked the Major.
"I am indeed, yessir, I'm looking forward to a real meal.'"
"Just before you go, Mr. Rogers, I'm afraid I have some bad news for you."
"Like what, Major?"
"Well, sir, the Indians have been on the rampage over at your homestead."
"My God! I'd better get over there right away!"
"Just a minute Roy, there's more. There's not much left of your house I'm afraid"
"That's terrible, I've got to get home to my family"
"Hold on Roy, there's more. I'm afraid they scalped your five and appear to have the girls beforehand." "Those savages!! I've got to get home to my wife, she must be beside herself with grief!"
"Wait Roy, I'm sorry but there's more. They also your wife and mother before killing them. All the cattle are gone and they put an arrow through your Bullet. Most of the village is burned to the ground and they put poison in your water supply."
"Oh my God! This is the worst day of my life! But still, I'd better get over there and see if there's anything at all I can do"
"Hold on, Roy - there's just one more thing . . ."
"Yes Major?"
"Before you go. How's about a little song for the boys?" ______________________ One from the archives..
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American in an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."
When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"
Don't stop."
______________________ Men who are bald at the front of their heads are good thinkers. Men who are bald at the back of their heads are good lovers. Men who are bald at front and back think they are good lovers. ______________________ I've got to get to the doctor and renew my prescription of birth control pills. I can't afford to get pregnant!" said Rita to Nancy.
"But I thought you said your husband had a vasectomy," Nancy replied.
"He did. That's why I can't afford to get pregnant."
______________________
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Daily Dose of Humor Tue Mar 06-2007
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Posted:Mar 6, 2007 7:19 am
Last Updated:May 26, 2024 6:13 pm
3174 Views
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Daily Dose of Humor Tue Mar 06-2007
______________________
t o d a y 's j o k e's ______________________ A reporter goes to a mental institution to do a story. He's walking around when he sees a man swinging a baseball bat. He walks up to him and asks,
"Buddy, What the heck are you doing?".
The man replies, "I'm Babe Ruth. One more home run and I'm outta' here."
The reporter just nods and walks on. He sees another guy swinging a golf club on the other side of the room. He walks over and says, "Excuse me, but what the heck are you doing?"
The guy says, "I'm Tiger Woods. One more hole in one and I'm outta' here."
The reporter just nods and walks away. Then he sees another guy in the corner with a peanut on the end of his penis. He goes over and asks the guy what he thinks he's doing and the guy replies,
"I'm fucking nuts and I ain't never getting outta' here!"
______________________ ______________________
OPERATOR, WE'VE BEEN DISCONNECTED: Florida State Senator John McKay has resigned from the Senate Regulated Industries Committee, which oversees such monopolies as the phone company, after his wife charged in a divorce proceeding that McKay had been having an affair with the lobbyist for the Sprint telephone company. (AP) John, that's not what Ma Bell meant by "Reach Out and Touch Someone". ______________________
Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Bob paused, looked down the fairway and began to sob uncontrollably.
The other three gathered around him and asked: Whats wrong? Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes some, then apologized for his emotional outburst. Im sorry, I always get emotional at this hole - it holds very difficult memories for me.
One of his buddies asked: What happened? What could have gotten you so upset?
Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice, This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack; right at this very hole!
Oh my God, the other golfers said; That must have been horrible!
Horrible? You think it`s horrible? Bob cried in disbelief; It was worse than that!!!!
Every hole for the rest of the day, all the way back to the clubhouse it was hit the ball, drag Alice, hit the ball, drag Alice...
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Daily Dose of Humor 3-Mar-2007
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Posted:Mar 3, 2007 9:20 am
Last Updated:May 26, 2024 6:13 pm
3192 Views
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Daily Dose of Humor 3-Mar-2007
Peace And Quiet
A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink rapidly. "Is everything okay, pal?", the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn't talking to me for a month!". Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know, a little peace and quiet?" "Yeah. But today is the last day".
Once upon a time there dwelt, in Fairy Land, a particularly beauteous young man. He was kind of heart and fair of face and form. But, woe and dismay, he also felt accursed, because he had, protruding from his navel, a silver screw.
Verily he could conceal it by adjustment of doublet and hose, yet it did sorely trouble him. So that each day he would go into the deep dark woods and sit in a glade, staring sadly at the silver screw.
Then one day an old crone came through the woods carrying a bundle of firewood. The kindly youth adjusted his clothing to conceal his shame and said to her, 'Old crone, that bundle is too heavy for you to carry. Let me lift thy burden.'
The crone was grateful and took him through the woods to her gingerbread cottage where she revealed that she was, in fact, a witch. 'But you have been so kind to me that I will grant you a wish.'
The youth didn't need to consider the wish for a moment. 'Please, please, rid me of this silver screw in my navel.'
The crone bade him go to a distant mountain and to climb to a rocky ledge. There he was to exhort the heavens using a magic spell that she provided. The youth followed her instructions and, struggling through the cruel and stinging woods, came to the ledge. There he began to exhort the heavens, using the crone's magic spell.
Suddenly, the blue skies vanished and dark somber clouds appeared. A great wind sprang up and he heard a sound like angels singing. And from the black clouds came a great shaft of light that focused on him. And down that shaft of light came a giant golden screwdriver.
As the singing reached a crescendo, the screwdriver reached the silver screw, fitting into the groove on its head. The giant golden screwdriver turned once, twice, thrice, then retreated up the shaft of light which, in turn, disappeared. As did the dark boiling clouds and celestial chorus.
The young man looked down at the silver screw and tentatively touched it with trembling fingers. Yes, it was loose! So he turned the screw once, twice, thrice! And his bum fell off
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Daily Dose of Humor For Tue Feb 27-2007
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Posted:Feb 27, 2007 6:15 pm
Last Updated:May 26, 2024 6:13 pm
3079 Views
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Daily Dose of Humor For Tue Feb 27-2007
Picasso's mistress was losing her eyesight so he took her to an opthomologist in Paris. Upon examination, the doctor reported that nothing could be done and she would soon become blind. Picasso then sought out the best eye doctor in all of France, but got the same prognosis. He even took her to the best doctor in all of Europe, to no avail.
He then decided to take her for a trip around the world so that she could see the sights before totally losing eyesight. They were in San Francisco when they saw a sign reading "Sam Smith-Eye Doctor, Free Consultation". Picasso figured that it couldn't do any harm to try this doctor as she was going to be blind anyway.
After a thorough examination, Dr. Smith reported that when he did an operation in cases like hers that it would cure her. Picasso agreed to have the operation performed.
After the operation and a few weeks of recovery, the doctor removed the bandages, and what do you know, she could see 20/ 20. Picasso was overjoyed and said ,"Doctor, tell me your fee. I am a very rich man and will pay whatever you ask".
Mr. Picasso", the doctor replied "I only ask my usual fee of $100."
"Well then", continued Picasso, "To reward you handsomely, I will paint a mural on your waiting room wall. When I am finished, we will invite the art critics to see it."
The doctor agreed to this offer because the room needed a paint job anyway. So Picasso labors behind a curtain for three weeks and when he is finished, invitations are sent to the press for a showing.
On the chosen date the critics crowd into the waiting room and when all are ready, Picasso pulls down the curtain and there on the wall is a great big eye. Thats all, just a giant size eye.
"Great", the critics all exclaim. "This is one of Picasso's greatest masterpieces".
Picasso nudges the doctor and says "Well, Sam, what did I tell you?"
________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________ I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day my fiance's little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our . Welcome to the family." "The moral of this story isquot; "Always keep your condoms in your car." _______________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________ Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial.
The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit.
So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."
The king then explained the trial to him.
"You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries.
When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...
and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked,
"Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied,
"I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples." _______________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________
Joke: Masterbation Innuendo...
A young Father has finally had enough of his 's wetting his pants, and takes him aside.
"", said the Father, "You are going to have to learn how to urinate properly, and no longer in your pants!"
The Father brings to boy back of the garage to show him the "proper" method.
"Okay, , this is how it is done. One, unzip your fly. Two, take out your penis. Three, skin it back. Four, let go with the urine. Five, skin it up. Six, put it back in your pants. Seven, zip up your fly. Now you know the RIGHT way!"
The Father watches his every day to see how well he is following his instructions. He notices the going to the back of the garage about every few hours. He is very proud of his , and decides to peek at him while he is "doing his thing" to see how well his instructions are being followed.
The next time the heads for the garage, the Father follows. He peeks around the corner of the garage and hears his : Three, Five, Three, Five, Three, Five..." _______________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________ Joke: Saving Up
A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak,
"Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years, and I thought he meant his money!!"
_______________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________ Joke: Letter From Playgirley Magazine, Ce Dear Male Giggler:
Your name has been submitted to us with your nude photo, and I regret to inform you that we will be unable to use your body in our centerfold.
On a scale of 0 to 10, your body was rated -2 by our panel of women ranging in age from 60 to 75 years. We tried to assemble a panel of women ranging from 23 to 35, but we could not get them to stop laughing long enough to reach a decision.
Should the taste of the American women ever change so drastically that bodies such as yours would be appropriate in our centerfold, you will be notified by this office. In the meantime, don't call us, we'll call you!
Sympathetically,
Jack Meoff Centerfold Editor
P.S. We do commend you for your unusual pose. We were wondering, were you wounded in the war, or do you ride your bike a lot? _______________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________ Really No Comparison
A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic... ''Try doing it with the engine running."
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Daily Dose of Humor Mon Feb 26- 2007
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Posted:Feb 26, 2007 4:59 pm
Last Updated:May 26, 2024 6:13 pm
3051 Views
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Daily Dose of Humor Mon Feb 26- 2007
______________________
t o d a y 's j o k es. ______________________
There was this blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes she'd hear at the office. So one evening she went home and memorized all the state capitals.
Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a Dumb Blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement,
"I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do...I memorized all the state capitals."
One of the guys said "I don't believe you."
She said, "It's true. Just test me!"
"Okay. What is the capital of Alaska," he asked?
"A" she answered. ________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________
A woman answered her front door and found two little boys standing there holding a long list.
"Excuse me," one of them explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."
"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"
"Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."
________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________
Letters Trick
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by itslef but the wrod as a wlohe. ________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________ Golf Balls
A man walks into an emergency room with two black eyes and a broken nose. The doctor asks him what happened. "Well," says the man, "I was having a nice round of golf with my wife. She sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around, I noticed that one of the cows had something protruding from its rear end. Sure enough, when it lifted its tail, there was my wife's golf ball." "And?" asked the doctor. "Well," the man said, "that's when I lifted the cow's tail, pointed, and yelled to the missus, 'Hey, honey – this one here looks like yours!'"
________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________ This walks into a bar. He sits down, orders a beer. The bartender is amazed, he's never seen a talking before. He says "wow, I've never seen a talking before. How are ya buddy?"
The drinks his beer, orders another and says "Not too good, not too good. I just lost my job."
The bartender says "you lost your job? Well, you could get a job easy! I can get you a job!" So he gets on the phone and he calls the circus. He tells them he has a talking dog there, and would they hire him? They say sure, they'll hire him as soon as he can get there.
So the bartender goes back, tells the dog "Hey, good news, I got you a job!"
"Really? That's great, where is it?"
"The Circus!"
"The Circus? But I'm an electrician!"
________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________ A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband said, "I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at the same time".
The wife thought for a few moments, then said, "Your d*ck is bigger than your brother's".
Moral of the story: Don't ask silly questions!
________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________ MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET ON WOMEN Workplace Hazardous Materials Information System ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Substance: Woman Manufacturer: God Typical Size: Average weight 115 lbs.; specimens can vary from 90 to over 200 lbs. Occurrence: Large quantities found in urban areas and shopping malls.
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES: --------------------
1. Surface Tension--soft and warm. 2. Exposed surfaces usually cosmetically enhanced. 3. Boils at nothing. 4. Freezes without reason. 5. Melts with special reason. 6. Flavor initially sweet, becomes bitter if used incorrectly. 7. Found in various states of purity from virgin metal to common ore. 8. Yields to pressure applied to specific points. 9. Sometimes enlarges alarmingly with age. 10. Even brief linking with male substance can cause substance to reproduce with marked physical and mental changes.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES: --------------------
1. Has affinity for gold, silver, and precious stones. 2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances. 3. Highly volatile for reasons not clearly understood. 4. Verbal activity greatly increased by alcohol saturation. 5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known (See HAZARDS, #3)
COMMON USES: ------------
1. Highly ornamental. 2. Relatively brief exposure can be a great aid to relaxation. 3. Pleasurable companion until legally owned.
SUBSTANCE VERIFICATION: -----------------------
1. Pure specimen turns bright pink when observed in natural state. 2. Turns green when compared to better specimen.
HAZARDS: ---------
1. May explode spontaneously without cause. 2. Illegal to own more than one specimen at a time. 3. Avoid specimen contact with plastic credit cards
________________________________________________________ Great To Be A Guy:
Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
Your orgasms are real. Always.
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
Foreplay is optional.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
The world is your urinal.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
Same work... more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. 'Nuff said...
If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or irreparably mangle your feet.
Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________ Joke:Two Statues For decades two heroic statues, one male and one female,faced each other in a city park,until one day an angel came down from heaven. "You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want to." And with a clap of his hand, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking conspiratorically.
Grinning even more widely, the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down, and I'll shit on it's head.
________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________
Redneck Joke: Lottery Winner Jack is waiting for the lottery draw one week and can't believe his luck. Six numbers, the jackpot and he's the only winner. He phones the lottery organizers who invite him down to an award ceremony.
So there he is, at the press conference with the photographers and the oversized novelty check etc... when a lottery spokesman pulls him aside. "Jack", he says, "we're having a bit of trouble with the prizes this week". "What's that", Jack asks. "Well, a hell of a lot of people had three and four numbers and we're really short on cash because of it. Now I know we're meant to be given you the whole 10 million today but, and here me out, how about we give you 4 million this week, 3 million the week after, then 2 million the week after that and we'll give you the other million in the fourth week. How does that sound?"
Jack stops and says, "Look if your going to screw around then you can give me my dollar back now." ________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________ Joke: Crying Donkey
A guy walks into a Bar and looks at a sign on the wall that reads: $50 if you make my donkey laugh!
The guy thinks he can do it, so he goes out back to the donkey, to try his luck.
A few minutes later the bar owner goes and sees his donkey laughing his guts out.
The barman goes over to the man and says how did you do it.
The man replies. "I can't tell you it's a secret, just give me my $50 bucks.
The next day this same guy goes back the bar, and finds another sign that reads: $50 if you make my donkey cry
Again, the man thinks he can do it, so back he goes out to the donkey.
A short time later, the bar owner now finds his donkey balling it's eyes out.
"How did you do that" The bar keep demands.
The man says. "I really shouldn't tell you, but since your going to pay me another $50 dollars, what the heck".
"It was really very simple to make your donkey laugh, I told him that I had a bigger penis than he did".
"To make him cry, I proved it"!!! ________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________ thats it for today folks Thanks for stopping in BYEEEEEEEEE
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Daily Dose of Humor for Sun Feb 25 2007
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Posted:Feb 25, 2007 5:01 pm
Last Updated:May 26, 2024 6:13 pm
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Daily Dose of Humor for Sun Feb 25 2007
joke send someone over.
"Send someone over quickly!" the old woman screamed into the phone.
"Two naked men are climbing towards my bedroom window!"
"This is the Fire Department, lady," the voice replied. "I'll have to transfer you to the Police Department."
"No, it's YOU I want!" she yelled. "They need a longer ladder!"
Sightings Of Sharp Individuals
Sighting #1: I was busy writing some computer program for one of my classes and my roommate asked me if he could use my coffee maker. I said, "sure." The next thing I hear is, "Hey, where do you put the coffee?" I turn to see that he has filled the filter basket with water and is (unsuccessfully) trying to keep the water in the basket by plugging the hole at the bottom with his finger. He and the floor are both covered with water. Sighting #2: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."
Sighting #3: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when he asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. He responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing DRIVING???"
Sighting #4: At a goodbye lunch for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.
Sighting #5: I worked with an individual who plugged his power strip back into itself and for the life of him could not understand why his system would not turn on. Sighting #6 (a rare "double sighting"): A friend had a brilliant idea for saving disk space. He thought if he put all his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font they'd take up less room. When he told me I was with another friend. She thought it was a good idea too.
Sighting #7 (from Tech Support): Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?" Individual: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"
Sighting #8 (from Tech Support): Individual: Now what do I do? Tech Support: What is the prompt on the screen? Individual: It's asking for "Enter Your Last Name." Tech Support: Okay, so type in your last name. Individual: How do you spell that?
joke new shoes
A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all these short term relationships.
"Isn't there some way to judge the size of a man's equipment from the outside?" she asked earnestly.
"The only foolproof way, is by the size of his feet," counseled the therapist.
So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets, until she came across a young fellow standing in an unemployment line with the biggest feet she had ever laid her eyes on.
She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took him back to her apartment for an evening of abandon.
When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone but, by the bedside table was a $20 bill and a note that read,
"With my compliments. Take this money and go out and buy a pair of shoes that fit you."
joke washcloth
There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked, he asked his mother what was the hair in between her legs?
She responded, "It's my washcloth".
Weeks later after the mother had the baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again, but while she was in the hospital the doctor shaved her pubic hair, and the boy asked his mother:
"What happened to your washcloth?"
The mother responded, "I lost it".
The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his mother's washcloth. A few days later the little boy went running to his mother yelling and screaming,
"I found your washcloth!"
The mother thinking that the was just playing went along with the boy and asked,
"Where did you find it?"
The boy answered, "The maid has it and she's washing daddy's face with it."
joke NEW MALE SURVIVOR SERIES
NEW MALE SURVIVOR SERIES:
Have you heard about the next planned "Survivor" show? Mark Burnett, producer of "Survivor" plans to enlist 12 men, who will be dropped in an unidentified suburb with a van, six (each of whom play two sports and take either a musical instrument or dance class), and no access to fast food.
They must keep the house clean, correct all homework (receiving at least a "C+" on all papers), complete one science project, cook (OK, they can bring one cookbook), do laundry, etc. Oh, and they also have access to television only when the are asleep and all chores are done, and none of the TV's have remotes. Plus they have to shave their legs and wear makeup which they must apply themselves either while driving or while making six lunches.
The competitions will consist of such things as attending a PTA meeting and accurately reporting the results; cleaning up after a sick at 3:00 a.m; making an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and getting a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.
The vote them off. The winner gets to go back to his job
joke feeling guilty
Howard was feeling guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
Every once in a while he'd hear a soothing voice trying to reassure him - "Howard, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients and you won't be the last."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality - "Howard, you're a veterinarian."
joke a farmer.
A man who owns a farm gets a call from a friend.
"I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a and I'm sending him over".
The midget arrives and the owner asks him if he wants a male or female . "A female horth," the midget replies.
So, the owner shows him one. "Nith looking horth, can I see her mouf?"
The owner picks up the midget and shows him the 's teeth. "Nith mouf, can I see her eyesth?"
So, the owner picks up the midget and shows him her eyes. "OK, what about the earsth?"
Now the owners is beginning to get a little pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows him her ears.
"OK, finally, I would like to see her twat."
With that, the owner loses all patience, picks up the midget, shoves his head up the 's twat, and then pulls him out.
Shaking his head, the midget says, "Perhapth I should wephrase that. I would like to thee the horth run."
___________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________
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