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My Blog, to share as I wish....Vent, rant, cry, ask questions (I am insatiably curious) or just give ground to the many feelings and emotions I sometimes have. I am brutally honest, upfront, and very expressive. Constructive criticism always welcomed; varying opinions welcome ..Rude, crude judgemental non-necessary comments; will be deleted and banned. This is my escape; please don't dump your crap here...Everyone else is welcome to read, share, or just leave a smile...
For the time being, I am escaping here to write about some unfortunate feelings, emotions, and things I am dealing with.....It is for me....I may throw in something unexpected, like a poem, or some silly rambling...But for now, my escape is for me, and thanks to those that offer a kind word.....
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Journey
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Posted:Aug 30, 2011 6:18 pm
Last Updated:Sep 7, 2011 7:02 pm
8586 Views
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While I don't have the final words, I guess I should say, it seems this journey has been aborted; brought to a sudden, incomplete end.
I'm just so tired; so weighed down by the sense of loss. The journey was not over; it was just beginning. And for that, the sense of loss is overwhelming; for the "what did I miss"; "what would it have been like"; "what was there to discover".
So, for now, a slight sense of grieving.
Of accepting......
and then?? Maybe I'll feel adventurous enough to start another one....
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Journey.......Part 9
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Posted:Aug 25, 2011 7:38 pm
Last Updated:Aug 25, 2011 7:40 pm
5392 Views
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And so, a new step was taken.
In the face of all that is logical, sane, and rational, I found that I actually loved someone that lived a great distance away. And, I discovered, I had never, ever felt loved in such a way as he made me feel. He touched me on three levels; the physical, the mental, the spiritual. I had loved on one or two of those, but never on all three, at the same time.
And, in spite, we both knew this was not a "forever" thing. We both knew there was more for us to uncover, discover and learn; about each other, and about ourselves. I think the distance allowed a certain freedom.
We discussed more options of seeing each other; we knew the time would be limited, due to the distance, and just our individual time limitations. But we were excited.
For the first time in three trips, I stood at the airport and smiled, feeling quite content. Not feeling as if my heart were breaking; and the end was imminent. I left with a hope for the future; not just ours, but mine. In the face of this most unusual arrangement, our most unusual beliefs, and his most unusual practices, I felt that this relationship would give me hope, and comfort, and even the desire to seek out something "More". Allowing myself to love him, to open up, to allow him to touch me in those places I had locked away was unlocking, releasing, and allowing me to become the woman I wanted to be.
The week after was filled with numerous communication; love and support of individual activities going on. Yes, I even typed a "welcoming" email to another woman he would be entertaining. She was the female friend of a man we had shared time with; but she had so little confidence in her sexuality. I actually was THRILLED that she would experience what this man could do. Yes, it is a mindset that is most unique. I woke Saturday morning, knowing they were sharing a bed, and the love and desire I had for him was overwhelming. So, I sat, and wrote; and allowed my desire to flow into my words. And I sent that in an email. Why? I didn't want my "mist" or "spirit" to interupt, even through a text.
Yes, I know......I have wondered if I needed psychiatric help. Perhaps I do. Or perhaps I will....And yes, all this has still worked for my betterment; even through the hurt, the heartbreak, and the anguish.
While I knew this journey was not a permanent one, I never expected it to end so abruptly.
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Journey......Part 7
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Posted:Aug 20, 2011 9:54 pm
Last Updated:Nov 7, 2011 9:54 am
5483 Views
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"Nothing, and no one, is ever all they appear to be"....
Yea, that is pretty cynical, but something I learned all too well during the years I was so ingrained and active in the church. The pastor that had the prnography problem, and made advances towards women he felt were "extra" spiritual. The deacon and sunday school teacher that had another wife, and another family, in another town; unbeknownst to his lifelong wife and two in our church. The deacon and his wife that "in the name of secrecy", insinuated very inappropriate behavior abuse against the pastor when he and his wife acquired a "new" set of best friends. (The deacon with the two families)....Yes, NOTHING and NO ONE is all they appeare to be.
So, I head off for trip three.....so excited, so anticipatory. Knowing this trip was going to be so unique.
I step off the plane, getting more excited as I walk through the terminal. And, finally.....Step into his arms; and feel as I had never left. Yea, the connection was just that strong!! I was so comfortable, so at ease......We go to collect my luggage, and my 6 hour seat mate is collecting hers. She does a double take!! (Well, I did change clothes).....We hug, make introductions, and she whispers in my ear; (Oh My!! You didn't tell me you were coming to meet a lover; and it is obvious, he loves you as well!!)) WHAT???? We never even talked about that!! "The look on his face says it all....and yours too!!.....I can just feel the energy from you two."....Hmmmmm.......NOW I am flabbergasted. That took me totally off guard; and should have been a precurser of what was to come.
We collect my luggage, get in the car, and just hug and kiss and giggle like -agers....and YES!!!! everyone over 40 should feel that way again.....But, as we start the 30 minute drive, I feel "something" change......just a very slight "cooling" in the air. (No, not the fact I am in the great North). He then states, "I have to make a call and be sure that ***** knows we are just a few minutes out, so she has time to gather her stuff before we get there"....Hmmmmm..she's known for like two months I am coming today; so why does she need "a few minutes"......a few degrees colder....Then, during the call, a comment...."Yes, We'll see you tomorrow night".....HUH?? Tomorrow, as in Monday?? As in, the first two nights we were gonna connect, how dare you have to think I wouldnt do that and you have to ask, we will be alone, Monday?? And I have to hear him change OUR plans with his other partner?? Oh yea.....the temperature just dropped......markedly.....(he later said he felt like he was in an ice storm; and very small pellets of ice, with very jagged edges, were hitting him....to which I said, he's lucky he didnt get hit with hail the size of bowling balls, and edges as sharp as daggers)....And yea, later I realized that is exactly how I felt.
So, our first night, and there was this distinct "fog", or "mist" that seemed to be present. Just a very light fog.....
Having learned from my first trip, I did tell him the next day how I felt about the change in plans; long story short; she wound up not coming Monday. (I later discovered there was MUCH more to that story)....So, he and I spend that night reacquainting ourselves; talking, sharing.....Finally exploring that bridge we crossed. Yes, we even owned the feelings we both had. I did love him....crazy as it was, foolish as it was, I did. I had been DAMNED determined I was going to come out, have fun, LOTS of sex, break whatever bond we had, erase these bonds I thought were love, and go home....THAT was the most foolish thing I have done to date. But; we had the best talk.....how this crazy long-distance thing would work; how he did love me, and had only told a few women in his life that. We discussed the energy we felt between us; the spiritual connection that was there; the way he had touched me on a level I had never been touched before.....it dawned on me; he was the first man I Had ever loved on a physical, emotional, and spiritual level, and felt that in return. All three areas, fully, at one time. And the knowledge was overwhelming; I cried.....Heartbroken, damn-breaking, eyes bulging, can't breathe, hyperventilating, snot-running, wailing tears. DAMN!!! NOT the fun filled sex night I had anticipated. But wow......so much more so.....And, after all that, the tender way he held me in his arms, comforting me....assuring me.....and then....
A phone call.....on his HOUSE phone...which NO ONE used, unless it was an emergency....and, his other partner had to call, to make sure he knew she was coming tomorrow night!! WTF?? he brushes her off, rather abruptly, but still.......
So; Tuesday is here.....and yes, I am ready....and quite looking forward to her coming....but it will be later. He asked her to give us some time together first. He was coming home early; and wanted her to come over a few hours later.....
He did; came early....Said he wanted to spend some time with me; assure me; he knew I was anxious, about many things. So, we spent some time, some very intimate time....and, about an hour into our time, THE DAMN HOME PHONE RINGS!!! I mean, the timing COULD NOT have been worse....One guess who....Yea....she was calling to tell him she was leaving soon....He says, "Ummmmm, Ok...I'm kinda busy.....see you later....." To which she asks "Can you order me some sushi and go pick it up"......LOL!!!! He assures her, HE CANNOT.....
So, she comes......and the atmosphere could not have been worse....The air felt "thick"; the tension was like electricity going through the air...I was once under a tornado that passed over the building I was in; the air swirls; the force is tremendous.....this felt the same. And no matter how hard I tried, I just could not get comfortable. No matter how much I tried to be cordial; to not say anything that could be taken wrong; to be accepting, I just couldnt. I knew I had made a terrible mistake. I just assumed it was all because of me; that I was the source of all the negative energy; or I knew it would be perceived that way....So, we called it an early night. She had an all night session on something she had to finish the next day; so he and I retired for the night. (Duh YEA.....why come over in the first place?)...She did join us very early in the morning.....and again, the atmosphere in the bedroom became almost claustrophobic. About an hour later, feeling like I could no longer breathe, I slipped out of the bedroom.....bundled myself up, got some coffee, and went out on the deck in the 50 degree weather. And for the first time in about 12 hours, felt like I could breathe.....so, I did the only thing I could.....I called the airport to change my flight. As I was on hold, he comes in.....walks over, sees my notes, and looks at me......And the look on his face broke my heart; literally.....The anguish I felt simply crushed me......and yes, I do have empathetic feelings sometimes that literally bring me to my knees.....He looks at me and says, " I will not beg you to stay; go if you feel you have to, but none of this is your fault. I know now, what I needed to know; what I've ignored all along....and this is not your fault." I explained, and apologized, for the negative energy I was creating. And again, he said, I've ignored this all along; and now I cant; this is NOT on you. If you stay, I will make it right. I NEED you to stay, so I can make it right"...
So I stayed....And no; the damn had only started to trickle; the rupture was yet to come.
Interestingly enough, she and I spent that morning together; and we had a very nice time. In fact, we had a very bonding time. Seems she knew she had overstepped some areas. And, being an empathetic woman herself, she knew she had. So; she and I spent the day; talking, sharing, and discussing the man she and I both loved. Oh yea; he had told her we had progressed to that on the Monday night she wasnt allowed to come!! Honestly?? The thought crossed my mind that if she had come, that bridge would not have been crossed. But, it was. And she knew. And we talked. And we shared. And she cried; and again, I felt her.....I felt her fear, her hurt, her feelings of entitlement; her feelings of competition. Her anger, her jealousy......But, even worse, I felt her unfounded beliefs. As we talked, it became clear she had a total different perception, understanding and application of the "terms" used in some polyamarous relationships. Or, she had taken those terms, and applied them, along with the definitions she wanted them to have, to our situation. But she had done this on her own; not with the discussion and input of her partner. And, in addition, she had taken the lifestyle they had lived the last few months (her at his house several nights a week; spending nights there with his ; vacationing with his ; bringing her over to spend nights at his house; all the interacting)...In her mind, she had progressed to the next natural stage.....except; she had progressed and gone there alone.
The ultimate blow up?? When I confronted him that night, in front of her, about why he had lied to me? Why was he discussing marriage with her, and telling me the complete opposite? I accused him of being a liar; of being dishonest; and a few other equally nasty things; while she stood there. What was the point in lying to me about what he wanted: about the whole 'I'm gonna love two women equally; I don't believe in monogomy or marriage; I will never be tied to one relationship again??" I mean, what was the point of lying......It didnt matter, and it just made me out a fool to believe him.....
Several seconds passed.......like waiting for the explosion......And, he was between the rock (the woman that thought they were going to get married and have a life) and the hard place; (the woman that he says he loves, and has touched his spirit in a unique way......) the woman that just called him a liar.....And, in those few seconds, their lives changed.....
In those few seconds, they realized that, although they had been riding in the same car for quite a while; although they knew and enjoyed and loved each other immensely; they actually had no clue what the other had in mind for the final destination.
The tornado struck; the devastation was awesome......and now; that eerie calm that comes after you look out at total desolation.
She retreated to one room; totally and completely crushed....he sat, in shock....and I screamed, in anger, and turmoil, and pain, that he had to go and comfort her, in whatever way he could.....and me?? I retreated.......the farthest place I could go, and get away, was the farthest corner of the garage.....and I sat.....and I cried....and I cussed....and I beat my hands till I bruised them......and then, I just waited.......
But deep, deep down, I had my first answer......and my first revelation of why, on my end, this was destined for me.
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Journey's Pause
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Posted:Aug 16, 2011 4:34 pm
Last Updated:Aug 19, 2011 6:30 pm
6758 Views
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I've tried for days to continue my journey story; but seems I am stuck. I can't seem to find the words. Or the ability to put the next part into words.
Both in my story telling, and in my journey.
Actually, I have tried, really tried, to tell the story in a way that presents everything as precise as I could. Presenting the other parties in what I thought was a real, concise way; not based on my "feelings" or emotions, even though they played a huge part.
I think I am at a fork in the road; and right now, I'm just standing.
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