The four kinds of sex...There are four kinds of sex :
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Posted:May 16, 2012 8:07 pm
Last Updated:May 15, 2024 5:2 pm
4927 Views
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There are four kinds of sex :
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got...
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$7 well spent...
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Posted:May 16, 2012 7:40 pm
Last Updated:May 16, 2012 8:07 pm
5644 Views
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A couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..'
He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.
The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row.
The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'
The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married; so we can't go to her house.
I'm married; and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98.
The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and
Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.
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Growing Wild . . .
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Posted:Feb 11, 2009 8:51 pm
Last Updated:May 16, 2012 7:40 pm
4569 Views
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There was this guy who really took care of his body and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror and admired his body and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his penis, which he readily decided to do something about it.
He went to the beach, completely undressed, buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out. About that time two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane.
On seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it round with he cane, remarking to the other little old lady saying,
"There is no justice in the world."
The other little old lady said, "What do you mean by that?"
The first little old lady said, "look at that."
When I was 20..... I was curious about it
When I was 30..... I enjoyed it
When I was 40..... I asked for it
When I was 50..... I paid for it
When I was 60..... I prayed for it
When I was 70..... I forgot about it
And now that I am 80, the damned thing is growing wild, and I'm too old to squat."
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Conversations on an airplane . . .
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Posted:Feb 11, 2009 8:49 pm
Last Updated:Feb 15, 2009 7:56 pm
4634 Views
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A man walks onto an airplane and takes his seat. He looks up and notices the most beautiful woman he has ever seen boarding the plane. He is so nervous, and he soon realizes that she is walking down the aisle toward him. When she takes the seat right next to him, he is anxious to begin a conversation with her. He asks, "Where are you flying to today?" She responds, "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago." He is crazed with excitement. Here is a gorgeous woman sitting next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
"And what do you do at this meeting?" he asks.
"Well," she says, "we try to dispel some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"And what myths are those?" he goes on desperately.
She goes on to explain, "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most endowed, when in fact, it is the Native American who owns this trait. Also, it is widely believed that the French man is the best lover, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who make the best lovers." "Very interesting...," the man responds.
Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I feel so awkward discussing this with you when I don't even know you. What's your name?"
The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto, Tonto Goldstein."
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Top ten things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day:
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Posted:Feb 11, 2009 8:43 pm
Last Updated:Apr 8, 2012 8:36 pm
4650 Views
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Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
See if they could finally do splits.
See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
Cross their legs without rearranging.
Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes BEFORE closing time.
Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more Without sleeping first.
Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too.
and, the number one thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina...
Finally find that damned G-spot.!!!!!
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Think about it . . .
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Posted:Jan 14, 2009 11:52 pm
Last Updated:Feb 11, 2009 8:44 pm
4488 Views
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So the elephant says to the naked man . . .
"You breathe through that little thing?"
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Getting weighed . . .
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Posted:Dec 14, 2008 9:27 pm
Last Updated:Jan 14, 2009 11:52 pm
4584 Views
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John took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked the man. "I want to get weighed," said the girl. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, John again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and John lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, John figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
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Another joke of the day . . .
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Posted:Nov 18, 2008 4:36 pm
Last Updated:May 15, 2024 5:2 pm
4424 Views
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A prosperous and somewhat amorous businessman propositioned a beautiful chorus girl of well-proportioned figure to spend the night with him for $500.
When he was ready to leave the next morning, certain things having transpired, he told her he didn't have that much money with him, but would have his secretary mail her a check for it, made out with a memo of RENT FOR APARTMENT, to avoid any embarrassment.
On the way to the office, however, after thinking the matter over carefully, he decided the night hadn't been worth what he’d agreed to pay. As a result, he had his secretary send a check for $250 instead, and enclosed the following explanatory note:
Dear Madam:
"Enclosed is a cheque for the amount of $250 for rent on your apartment. I am sending this amount instead of the amount originally agreed upon, because when I rented this apartment, I was under the impression that...
1. It had never been occupied
2. There was plenty of heat
3. It was small
Last night, I found that it had been occupied many times, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large!"
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check, with this note:
"I am returning the check for $250. I cannot understand how you could expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied. As for the heat... there is plenty of it there if you know how to turn it on. As for the size, it's not my fault if you didn't have enough furniture to furnish it."
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Today's joke . . .
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Posted:Nov 16, 2008 4:24 pm
Last Updated:May 15, 2024 5:2 pm
4545 Views
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Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.
"First, you must wear a diaphragm."
Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and *very* satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!"
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
"I know of no prince with that kind of power! What was his name?"
"I can't remember, exactly... Peter Peter, something or other..."
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Joke of the day . . .
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Posted:Nov 13, 2008 4:25 pm
Last Updated:May 15, 2024 5:2 pm
4452 Views
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A woman married and had 13 . Her husband died.
She married again and had 7 more . Again, her husband died.
Once again, she remarried and this time had 5 more .
She finally died after having 25 .
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, 'Lord, they're finally together.'
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, 'Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?'
The friend replied, 'I think he means her legs.'
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Thought for today . . .
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Posted:Oct 28, 2008 3:26 pm
Last Updated:Nov 9, 2008 10:20 am
4586 Views
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Handle every situation like a does . . . if you can't eat it or hump it, piss on it and walk away.
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Thought for today . . .
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Posted:Oct 28, 2008 3:26 pm
Last Updated:Nov 9, 2008 10:19 am
4542 Views
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Handle every situation like a does . . . if you can't eat it or hump it, piss on it and walk away.
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Thought for today . . .
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Posted:Oct 28, 2008 3:25 pm
Last Updated:Nov 9, 2008 10:18 am
4561 Views
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Handle every situation like a does . . . if you can't eat it or hump it, piss on it and walk away.
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