I just want to fit in...
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Posted:Feb 20, 2018 2:53 pm
Last Updated:May 10, 2024 6:20 am
1892 Views
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Thats all...
I dont know why everybody in the world dont want me around..
Me and The Voices are pretty ok guys, we like to drink alot and take alot of drugs just like everybody else.
Well The Voices dont like drinking and taking drugs as much as I do. The Voices dont like taking drugs and drinking at all.. I like drinking and taking drugs alot..
Theres not much The Voices can do about it either.. Cuz The Voices dont have bodies so the only way they can hurt me is if they trick me into doing stuff that I get hurt when I do it. They do that all the time.. But I dont care, I drink all the time and take drugs all the time anyways...
Anyways, maybe you guys can me... I need some new friends cuz my old friends The Devil, and Santa Claus and The Voices dont like me very much and My Robot is still in prison for stealing peoples wallets while he was a Salvation Army bell ringer as far as I know and My Robot (No relation to My Robot) ran away and I'm pretty sure he's a serial killer now... Thats kinda what I heard.. Everybody thinks he learned to be a serial killer from me but I dont think thats true.. Cuz I always left him with babysitters...
So if you want to be my friend and drink all the time with me and take drugs all the time with me you can leave me a comment here with your name, address, Social Security number, State ID or Drivers license number and at least major credit card so I can check you out to make sure your not some kinda freak before I decide if I want to be your friend and drink and take drugs with you all the time.. For Safety..
Bye...
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* Vote for ME *.. Dont laugh, I aint the worst option...
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Posted:Oct 1, 2016 3:33 pm
Last Updated:Feb 20, 2018 2:34 pm
5085 Views
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Well since my landslide loss during the last election I have
decided this time to get started early..
Hillary and Don are keeping secrets from everybody like everybody is too stupid to figure out they are both shit choices for President of the USA..
Nobody cares about that..
I aint keepin no secrets.. I already know how stupid voters are so I am gonna come outta the closet, right here on AdultFriendFinder...
Not the gay kinda of coming outta the closet, I meant the kind that means I am gonna tell everybody something kind of closet.. coming out of.. uhh.. a girl closet... yeah..
Anyways since thats all cleared up and shit let me officially announce my announcement..
What the fuck was I talking about... Dammit.. closet, uhh.. clothes.. uhh.. no that dont sound right.. Let's see.. Announcement..
OH I GOT IT!!
I am once again for like the 3rd or 4th time running for
KING OF THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD AND ALL OF THE PLANETS CLOSE ENOUGH FOR ME TO HIT WITH MISSLES
My campain promise is exactly the same as last time, exactly word for word, because i got super memory from the time I got bit by an elephant and got super powers from the elephant venom.
But I didnt need my super power..
I just copied and pasted it..
OK.. Get this..
As soon as I am voted the king of the whole entire world and all of the planets close enough for me to hit with missles,
I am gonna have just 1 rule..
it aint because I am lazy or that I dont care if the whole world riots or burns, but that is a whole lot of it...
But My rule would be...
Stick with me till the end.. ok..
Everybody would be allowed to kill one person in thier life with absolutely no repercussion or any punishment whatsoever..
That single rule would make the world a much nicer and more polite and more just all around better place...
BECAUSE...
would ya be so quick to flip the bird at someone because they didnt put on thier blinker on the freeway, or be so quick to pick on someone or bully them or kick sand in the 85 pound weaklings face when you dont know for sure if they have killed thier one person yet or not...
Maybe thier one person will be you...
VOTE FOR ME..
A VOTE FOR ME TO BECOME KING OF THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD AND ALL OF THE PLANETS CLOSE ENOUGH FOR ME TO HIT WITH MISSLES WILL SHOW YOUR TRUE LEVEL OF INTELLEGENCE AND HOW MUCH YOU REALLY CARE..
Thanks for your support...
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All grown up.. for sure this time...
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Posted:Sep 15, 2016 2:34 pm
Last Updated:Jul 25, 2017 8:56 pm
5101 Views
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OK..
you guys remember that time I thought I was all grew up and mature and stuff so I wrote a story that didnt have very many cuss words, and had stuff like a guy with a job and stuff like that but since the story revolved round the guys penis everybody thought I was still immature and not grew up...
I called it a penis,
I thought that would be mature enough since it is a doctor word, but I guess not...
Anyways, Today I got mature...
Yep I'm all grown up for sure now...
And since I am mature now, there will be no more of my childishness going on around here..
I am all about Adultishness now..
I havent thought up a good Adult story for mature audiences like you guys and me but I'm going to..
and this time it aint gonna be mostly about some guys penis
Cuz talking about penises is immature unless your a doctor..
I didnt know that last time,
that shows how much I grew up since then...
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I found God...
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Posted:Sep 4, 2016 2:38 pm
Last Updated:May 10, 2024 6:20 am
5318 Views
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Today I was slingin' out in Felony Flats, hangin' out and minding my own business and you will never guess who came wondering up outta the blue...
God!!!
Last time I saw God I was getting nearly killed and eaten by a pit bull while he just stood and watched while I was screaming for him to smite the dog... But he just stood there with his stick in his hand... I am still pissed off at him about that..
But anyways, I was pretty surprised.. I said "'sup God.. what ya need?" God said "I ain't here to buy dope ya moron... Your dead granny asked me to come and talk to you about where you intend to spend eternity."
I said "Why dont ya just keep screaming about dope man.. Ya already got enough eyes on me standing here in a dress... Next time my dead granny sends ya out on errends throw on a pair of Levi's man.. I dont know about your neighborhood up in Heaven bro, but you are standing on the corner of 84th and Flavel.. You are a long fuckin' ways from Heaven.. I bet ya an 8 ball you cant make it from here to half way thru the trailer park without running and screaming for somebody to call 911"
God looked like he was getting pissed off a little bit, but I think I really got him thinking a little about his whereabouts.. I mean, he should know right.. It's his fault, creating everything and all...
God said "Your dead granny said she would consider it a personal favor if I could convince you to quit hanging around with The Devil and smoking crack all the time, and maybe take a shower and go to church and ask Jesus to forgive you for your sins and be saved and enjoy eternity with her in Heaven"
"Well you can report back to my dead granny that I dont hang out with The Devil too much anymore cuz he is clean and sober now and I get sick of him trying to get me to go to meetings with him and he gets all pissed off when I smoke crack and blow my crack smoke in his face.. I dont see how he can think him trying to fix me by making me go to NA and me trying to get him to go back to being normal by jonesing him out smoking crack in front of him is any diffrent.. I mean besides being totally opposite things.. Whatever.. The Devil aint my best friend anymore"
"What about going to church and being saved?" God asked..
"My dead granny sure expects a bunch of shit outta me.. She knows that I was a lazy little drunk fucked up maniac heathen when she wasnt dead yet, and she should know that I get worse and worse every hour or so, since she is always spying on everything I do since she got dead and went to heaven."
"So its a no on Church and salvation" God asked.
"You are God, God.. Why are you asking me all this shit, You already know everything, Ya shoulda just did your magic tricks on me and make me go to church and whatever else ya been babbling about. Shit, that fuckin cop is turning around, Be cool God, if he rolls up on us just stand there and dont say shit.. Let me handle this asshole"
God said "I dont got no ID.. I am just gonna walk over to Checkers and catch a bus from there.. If he stops me I will tell him I was trying to convince you to be saved by the blood of the Lord Jesus Christ and just leave it at that"
"Yeah and while his eyes are blurry from laughing his fuckin' ass off I am gonna run into the Trailer Park. Thats some pretty good thinkin' God, Hey.. Say Hi to my dead granny for me, and tell her to mind her own fuckin' business, would ya." It's been good seein' ya again.. LaterZ..
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Whats going on?
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Posted:Aug 11, 2016 8:52 pm
Last Updated:May 10, 2024 6:20 am
5401 Views
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It's probably cuz I'm smokin' hot, and cuz I'm a fuckin' genius, and cuz I am so irresistible and awesome and shit...
Thats gotta be what it is....
Cuz I' went from a foul mouthed pain in the ass that didnt get any attention from nobody, to a foul mouthed pain in the ass GOLD MEMBER that didnt get any attention at all, to a foul mouthed not so much of a pain in the ass cuz i am hardly ever here not GOLD MEMBER anymore, dude..
What the fuck was I talkin' about.. Oh yeah...
Anyways, all of a sudden chicks are throwin thier selves all over me.. a couple dudes too... I got I think 2 flirts which is up 200% and like 28 views thats up 2800% and abuncha other stuff... thats up abuncha times multiplied times a hundred %
All together probably like 7000% more popular than I was when I didnt know there were other people here...
You guys are under my spell now...
Cuz I'm a Don Juan motherfucker, motherfuckers...
Rekidnize....
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My blog sucks
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Posted:Jul 25, 2016 12:58 am
Last Updated:May 10, 2024 6:20 am
5764 Views
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I was fuckin around with shit I never noticed before and I found out I got quoted and I thought I am finally gettin popular but it turns out It was just something I dont even know what it is or what I did or whatever but either way it said come see my blog, so I did...
I wasnt too sure what it was all about something about a buncha people banning each other or something anf then it was a buncha other stuff, I dont know but anyways, It was totally fancy and it has a buncha dirty pictures and cartoons and stuff moving around and flashy words and all kinds of stuff...
It was like a super blog and I suddenly figured out why my blog dont have anybody reading it or saying stuff about me being really cool or something..
Cuz my blog sucks ass...
Its just a buncha words I make up and most of the time it dont even make sense, but that super blog didnt make sense to me cuz i aint really advanced enough to ban people or get banned by somebody, although I am sure i been banned cuz thats kinda my thing but I dont know about it, but i am sure irs happened
Anyways, now it is my lifes mission to make my blog totally fancy and make everybody all interested and shit...
So here we go...
LOOK I MADE BIG WORDSLOOK I MADE BOLD WORDS TOOI DONT KNOW WHAT THIS ONE IS I JUST PUSHED A BUNCHA BUTTONS AND PUT WORDS BETWEEN THE BRACKET THINGS
Fuckin A.. Thats pretty good..
Now I need a dirty picture... I got a shit ton of those.. I will be right back I gotta pick out a dirty picture.. This is fuckin important...
Shit.. k.. pictures are a little too advanced for me, but I am gonna make a big blank spot where a totally nasty dirty picture would have been if I coulda figured it out
OK.. Lets see.. I aint even gonna try making flashy words or blnkie words... I didnt go to college so I dont know alotta stuff like you guys do, but I was in the Army so I learned some other stuff, but not Blinkie words or Flashy words... I am just gonna skip the Flashy Words part..
Check this shit out thoughIt's Fancy huh?
I hope nobody gets all jealous and bans me..
My blog is fuckin awesome now...
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How am I getting attention???
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Posted:Jul 23, 2016 11:55 pm
Last Updated:May 10, 2024 6:20 am
5670 Views
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I dont know if people view my profile just to get as many facts as possible to report to some kinda authorties or something...
Thats gotta be it...
I know nobody looks at my pictures and thinks.. DAMN, I gotta get me some of that.. But even if that was the case, after reading about 3 seconds worth of just about anything i write here should throw all kinds of red flags...
If I was smart enough to figure out how to interact, maybe i would and put whatever it is to rest for sure..... but so far I'm not to sure what I'm doing, the only stuff i got down pat is babbling nonsense here and telling jokes in the magazine... I went in the IM but I dont know what thats all about either..
Cuz maybe I'm Don Juan or whatever but my below the lower end of average self esteem wont let me see what a hottie and interesting individual i really am... But you guys see it...
Nope, I kinda doubt that... the hottie and interesting part that is...
I bet its more like driving real slow by a car wreck, ya gotta get a look at it even though ya know it is probobly something ya never wanted to see but ya gotta take a look anyway before ya drive away...
There it is...
either that or the evidence collection thing...
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How I'm getting so much smarter so fast...
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Posted:Jul 21, 2016 10:48 pm
Last Updated:May 10, 2024 6:20 am
7121 Views
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Today I am practicing smart people stuff..
Smart people figure out all kinds of stuff all by themselves, I see it on TV all the time..
So I am gonna do what smart people do and figure out stuff and everybody will think I am smart too... Especially if i use spell checker to make all the words with squiggley lines under them get spelled right all by thierselfs and google a bunch of smart people words to say instead of saying some variation of fuck 70 or 80 times...
I'm getting pretty good at it I think..
Heres everything I got figured out so far...
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.
When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of alcohol eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
And that is why you always feel smarter after a few drinks.
And drugs are even better for ya..
drugs kill lots and lots of brain cells really really fast, so Ya get a lot smarter alot faster..
Take me for example.. Look how much smarter I am now cuz I take drugs every few minutes compared to when I was a little baby and didnt take drugs at all...
See what I mean... I know even just reading this stuff ya can tell how much smarter I got in the last couple minutes...
It really shows...
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Multifaceted...
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Posted:Jul 8, 2016 2:26 pm
Last Updated:May 10, 2024 6:20 am
6066 Views
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Everybody treats me like I am some kind of drunken drug addicted bum...
And I get it... I really do...
But there's so much more to me than that...
well, maybe saying much more is not exactly accurate,
but there's definitely a little bit more to me than that...
well, maybe saying definitely aint really that accurate either...
but there is maybe a little bit more to me than that...
I can think of at least 1 thing besides being a drunken drug addicted bum so that makes me multi-faceted cuz I got all these facets...
1. Drunken
2. drug Addicted
3. Bum
and
4. fuck.. I forgot what it was..
So, that is Multi-Faceted.. Not just Tri-Faceted like everybody thinks.... and Multi Faceted is a better title cuz nobody knows how many facets there may be. some people may say stuff like "Look at that multi-faceted fuckin bum, I bet he has at least 6 or 7 facets" which is cool and it makes me sound really fancy...
Anyways, I just wanted to let all you guys know so ya can quit making fun of me cuz ya thought I was only Tri-Faceted...
Cuz there is maybe...
probobly... wait, no...
just maybe...
Maybe there is more to me than just a drunken drug addicted bum...
Thats a definate maybe...
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Whats wrong with havin a hustle??
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Posted:Apr 10, 2016 5:24 am
Last Updated:Apr 21, 2016 6:20 am
8251 Views
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People say shit like "why dont ya just get a job?"
Why?
So I have to get up when I dont fuckin feel like it..
Early..
Drive in rush hour traffic with millions of idiots driving like they have learners permits to go somewhere I dont wanna be all day doing shit I fuckin hate for some prick fuck who constantly tells me what to do and how to do it so every week I can get a check thats barely enough to survive on...
Why?
I mean I have had jobs... A bunch of 'em..
Not for a while now cuz I finally decided that I dont need them anymore..
Working was just a phase I went through as i lived as i was programmed to live and took my place as a speck on a map and conformed to standards set by people with no standards themselves...
I have always had a hustle...
Used to it was extra cash to supplement my meager legal income so I could have better things...
Now I hustle full time and I do quite well,
I do whatever I feel like doing most of the time,
I bang out a few hours of slingin' this and that and getting paid...
See,
all people want something they dont have...
and all people have something they dont want..
If you can keep it all strait, take advantage of opportunities, remember who has what where and how much and who wants what and what they got to get it all ya gotta do is talk... fast...
I got numbers going thru my head like aerosol spray, quick math in my head while hi-ballin' or lo-ballin' and ya could never tell by the expression on my face that I gotcha..
But the thing is..
Your happy with what ya got,
Thier happy with what they got,
and as the broker, I deserve a little change for helping keep that happiness flowing..
I cant stop, I cant sweat, i gotta have my game face on all the time..
And I do it..
every day... 7 days a week
With grace and fuckin style...
Not everybody can do what I do...
I mean they try...
But it aint easy...
I gotta be on point, not miss a beat.. manage time, manage money, manage people, take a hit, regrop, recover, and never let the vultures see ya slip, ..
And about dealing dope..
Its a product.. It is in very high demand..
If I died right now it wouldnt make a bit of difference whatsoever in the drug trade.. My people would get thier dope anyways, with little or no time lost..
I dont force people to take drugs, actually I am against it, and I support anyone who is in recovery and needs my help..
But people are gonna get drugs..
I have spent the time effort, and money to make the connections I have and the customers I have and Its dangerous work...
But demand requires supply.. If it wasnt me it would be someone else..
The money is good, It is never going away, It seems stupid not to profit from it..
I aint hurting anyone, I am supplying a product to demanding customers..
Its a business.. nothing more..
I live life as I want to live it... by my rules, on my time, and making money for me, not someone else, and not the government for goddamn sure..
I am no longer a slave to conformity..
Get a job... Right...
Just cuz ya cant hustle dont mean ya gotta look down on those of us who can...
Hustling is a full time job..
Hit or Miss..
All or Nothin'
Its one of the hardest jobs I have ever had...
I just make it look easy...
If it werent for the money and the freedom, I swear to god I would rather pump gas for minimum wage anyday...
there it is...
So... whatcha want....
I'll hook ya up...
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How to be organized like me
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Posted:Apr 8, 2016 2:26 am
Last Updated:May 10, 2024 6:20 am
8395 Views
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The reason I am so good at everything in the world is cuz I am organised and shit like that.. Cuz organization is the cornerstone of a buncha stuff and everybody in the world should get organized like I am so they have better days or whatever happens to them...
I will teach you how
Ya gotta make lists.. that way everything dont get all fucked up like it would if you didnt have a list
Step 1. Get drunk
Step 2. Start computer or maybe get a pencil and paper..
Step 3. Begin writing or typing "MrTwister and the voices meet most of the Smurfs"
Step 4. Finish writing or typing "MrTwister and the voices meet most of the Smurfs" or just quit in the middle of the novel like I always do..
Step 5. Go to Facebook
Step 6. Post "MrTwister and the voices meet most of the Smurfs" onto Facebook for the whole world to read (if they know how to read) and enjoy and learn all kinds of inspirational shit from the masterpiece novel.
Step 7. Look at porn for a few hours.
Step 8. Go see how many more people un-friended me on Facebook between the time i posted "MrTwister and the voices meet most of the Smurfs" and when I quit looking at porn.
Step 9.Find millions of pictures of Smurfs doing stuff and save them in a folder named "Pix of Smurfs doing stuff"
Step 10 Go to all of the hundreds of pages of people who un-friended me cuz now I know they are a buncha Smurf hating biggots and post pictures of Smurfs doing stuff all over thier wall along with my pleas for them to stop hating stuff and dont be biggots and all kinds of shit people who say stuff like that would say..
Step 11. Go to sleep (wait maybe that shoulda been Step 1 like about a week ago)
Step 12. Start all over except this time start a week earlier and make Step 1. "Go to sleep" and replace "Step 1" with "Step 2" and "Step 2" with "Step 3".. wait a minute, dont replace the actual steps or they will be all out of order and they wont make sense, Just renumber them all so there aint 2 Step 1.'s and everybody in the world dont get confused about which one is really Step 1. If they choose the wrong Step1. then it would be pointless and I would have to start over again... Wait a second.. Just renumber Step 1. - Step 10 into Step 2 - Step 11, Dont renumber the new Step 1, just the original Step 1 otherwise you wont have a Step 1 and you will have 2 Step 2's and it will confuse everybody in the world even more than if there was 2 Step 1.'s Cuz if theres no Step 1. and 2 Step 2's you wont know where to start reading the steps.. That could be dangerous.. Well probobly not dangerous really but it could be something...
Step 13. Step 13 is unlucky so There aint no Step 13.. Kinda like a elevator..
Step 14. Erase Step 12, actually if you renumbered everything correctly it would be Step 13 But since Step 13 is unlucky and it would be renumbered to Step 14 and Step 14 is ok I guess I should just not renumber Step 12 into Step 13 or Step 13 into Step 14 and erase them both. there would be 2 Step 12.'s for a minute but as long as I erase the right one it would be cool I think but its a little late for that now..
Step 15 Erase Step 14
Step 16 Erase Step 15
Step 17 Erase Step 16
Step 18 Erase Step 17 Fuck.. this could take forever, I better double up on Step 19
Step 19 Erase Step 18 and Step 19
See how easy that is gonna make writing my new ultra-popular Novel "MrTwister and the voices meet most of the Smurfs" so from now on be organised..
Just like me...
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How I almost got turned into a Super Hero...
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Posted:Mar 29, 2016 7:22 am
Last Updated:May 10, 2024 6:20 am
8888 Views
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Everybody always says.. "Your a genius" to me all the time..
Well thats obvious ...
I already know I'm a genius, so does everybody else cuz I always tell everybody and it is in my title...
But I betcha you all wonder about how I almost became a Super Hero,
It started out, well I dont know how cuz of my head injuries but thats how I almost got to be a superhero too..
Then when I was in the hospital cuz I was broken they had to put new blood in me cuz all my blood was on the ground where i was laying when the ambulance came
but when I was in the hospital they put Supermans blood and Spidermans blood, and Batmans blood, and Mighty Mouses blood and then when I woke up I was pretty much the same except cuz I had a severe head injury and concussion it thats what made me into the genius here today..
So I wanted to see if i was a superhero for sure so I took the tubes outta my arm and the other places they had tubes in me and I flew out the window..
I was doing really good and I was flying really fast, then all of a sudden,
I woke up in the hospital with another severe head injury
but this time they put belts around my arms and legs, cuz now they knew I was really a superhero cuz I proved it when i flew all the way from the roof to the ground and they were scared...
So thats how I got like I am...
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To link to this blog (UZIoSUICIDE) use [blog UZIoSUICIDE] in your messages.
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